In therapy, sometimes a coaching question is more powerful than an interpretation (even when your interpretation is correct).
I had an experience with a long-term therapy client who has been very pleased that his life is going much, much better. He has been feeling exhilarated about a sought-for job promotion; he has been delighted by a recent 30-pound weight loss and by having gotten several health problems under good control; and, he is newly enjoying a cycling club and a healthy gourmet-cooking and dining group.
However, in a recent treatment hour he complained forcefully about practically everything -- from his dirty, messy apartment to his busy schedule to his critical mother. After listening to a long list of laments, I wanted to reconnect him with his constructive motives. So, in an attempt to accomplish this, I offered him a reflection on what I was hearing. In my therapist role, I said, "I wonder if the part of you that is so out-of-sorts is reacting to all the good feelings you have been having by dwelling on the imperfect aspects of your life so you can experience those old, familiar bad feelings again." He said, "Well…it could be, but these things really are bugging me."
I could see that my interpretation wasn't what my client needed to move ahead, so I switched to a coaching role and said, "OK, let's go with that. I wonder, what would be your goal in having these problems resolved?" He immediately answered, "Contentment and peace of mind."
With his attention centered on this goal, he immediately shifted his focus from his complaints to constructive thinking about concerns that were meaningful to him. In the process, he made important observations and pondered possibilities. He noted that he might want to reduce his time-intensive administrative leadership responsibilities in the cycling club; he might use some of his recent pay increase to hire a cleaning service; and, he would think twice before talking to his mother about anything that was really important to him.
As a result of my coaching question, we were able to talk about what he wanted to create next for his life. At the end of the hour, he said, "I think that is the ball I need to keep my eye on…that I am looking for contentment and piece of mind."
It was magical to see how a single powerful coaching question can generate such an effectual connection with a person's constructive motives. It was also so very, very gratifying.
As I reflect on this clinical situation, I realize that the therapist in me thought, "Oh, I understand this." But my interpretation of what was going on with him wasn't interesting to him. When I switched to an Intrinsic Coaching™ approach, he shifted quickly to his constructive internal motives, to what he was looking for, and I was struck by how productive his response was.
It was wonderful to see him keep that constructive thinking in the forefront of his mind and to think productively about what he wanted to do about his problems.
Through this experience, I learned the following: In therapy, sometimes a coaching question is much more powerful than an interpretation, even when your interpretation is correct.
Susan F. Walsh, Ph.D., Board Certified Diplomat in Clinical Social Work, has 30 years practice as a psychotherapist. Serving adults with a wide range of physical and mental health concerns, Dr. Walsh helps them reach their maximum health potential. Dr. Walsh also has over 15 years of experience as a teacher, supervisor, and consultant to physicians and other health professionals. She practices in Chicago, IL.